Patterns of Patterns

Why do I keep making bad decisions?

It’s a question I’ve been asking for a while now. Although I do my best to heal the hurts/learn the lessons/move forward, I always seem to circle back to this single query.

Where’s the flaw in my decision-making process of discernment? I must be blind because I keep landing in very difficult situations. What am I doing wrong?

The last ten years of my life have been [what any normal person would label] highly unstable [to put it mildly]. I have lived in five different cities. I have worked ten different jobs. My resume is quite full. I am not an idle person.

Many of these situations have involved a significant amount of heartache and stress. Everyone deals with that I know. It’s just that I got burned real bad the first time. Real bad the second and third times. So I decided that enough was enough and since then I have been superly over-discriminating about what I agreed to do. And I still landed in very tough places. Even this place where I am now. So I circle back again:

Why do I keep making bad decisions?

Yoda and FlowerRecently, a friend threw out a word to me… pattern. Once is a fluke. Twice is a pattern. Three times… idiocy. My fifth iteration makes all this feel insane. Until I started to see “The Pattern”.

Not long ago, I said to another friend… Things just seem to change whenever I’m around. I don’t know why. They just do. We were discussing a new project and that was my way of issuing a warning shot. Be careful here, buddy.

Neither of us was ultimately surprised by the consequences of what those changes precipitated. Those consequences resulted in more changes and other consequences and more changes. I live in that chaos now. Every day, I work hard to let go of control, to act with compassion and to see The Pattern with clarity. Daily, I change.

The Pattern is not my series of bad choices.
The Pattern is me continuing to say Yes to God and walking through the doors that have been opened.

I have not made my choices absent-mindedly. I have not moved forward blindly. But they felt like bad choices because I have ended up in some excruciatingly difficult circumstances. My brain thinks… the heartache and hardship must be my own fault.

But God’s pattern for my life is bigger. If I am to grow, of course things have to get more challenging. I shouldn’t expect… or even want… things to get easier because then my spirit would wither and die.

Wherever I have been… whatever doors I have walked through… whatever choices I have made… positive change has followed me. Much of it continues today in all those places. I am proud and humbled by all the good work that has inspired others.

Change and growth are painful. In fact, I’m going the distance on this one with an absolute… Change and growth are always painful. It’s just simple human nature.

When change and growth make the Top Dog uncomfortable, someone will be the scapegoat.
It’s just simple human nature.
I have never been the Top Dog in any of these situations.
I’ve had to learn to lead from the middle.
Things change around me. Some would say it’s because I ask too many pointed questions.
I see the gaps and I think… wouldn’t it be nice to fix that.
But not all things are meant to be fixed.
At least not by me.
I will be moved again.
I will say Yes again.
Change will follow again.

That’s my pattern.
That’s The Pattern in my life.

what are you thinking about?

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